As a woman who was raised in a Christian household, I find that judgement comes quickly from others who do not understand my choice of faiths. I wouldn’t classify myself as Wiccan, Heathen or of a specific denomination that falls under the blanket term of Paganism. There is much still for me to learn and much that I still have yet to experience about choosing to believe and follow a nature based religion and faith.

I haven’t come out of the “broom closet” completely to those around me. My fiance and my youngest sister are both aware of my beliefs and my fiance is also pagan. But my other sister, my mother and the rest of my family haven’t been told by me that I no longer believe in the Christian god. There are many of my friends who are also unaware of this choice I made. I have found it difficult to talk to my mom about my choices, and my other sister as well.

My change in faith and belief systems began with being in an abusive marriage. The man I married was unable to control his temper and often did things to hurt me. In addition to cheating on me, he would smack me around, rape me and used other means of abuse to control me. The end of our marriage came not from me finally deciding I’d had enough of this treatment but of me coming home early from work one night to find him dressed like a woman.

I still do not understand why this is what changed things for me. I consider myself an extremely tolerant and understanding woman. But on top of the abuse, lies and other women, this was just the icing on the cake. I didn’t understand how this man who claimed he loved me could lie to me about something so…. big.

Recovering from the damage that he did to me emotionally and mentally was a challenge for me. I tried turning to my religion for help but all I found there was judgement and apathy. Those who preached charity, kindness and love did nothing but judge me and make it seem like all that occurred was some how my fault. I tried changing churches but after going to 5 or 6 different churches and finding the same judgement at each one, I walked away from Christianity.

For a while I struggled with my faith and what I truly believed.  At first, I had feelings of guilt, thinking I was a bad person for no longer recognizing myself as a Christian and for no longer believing in the Christian god.  Much of this guilt is ingrained into Christians.  It is a huge part of the belief system.  As I began to evolve and reflect on what I truly believed, I came to the realization that even before my marriage, I was disheartened with Christianity and the hypocrisy I felt existed in the faith.  I’d studied the Bible in depth, lead a youth group and was an extremely active member of the church since my youth.  But even during those times of activity, I thought to myself, “There must be more to it than this.”  I believed that God wasn’t the male deity that Christianity painted him to be.  Even as I would teach teenagers lessons from the Bible, I thought that if there was a masculine and feminine distinction to nearly every other thing on this earth, then there must be with our creator as well.  I felt as if many of the aspects of Christianity were merely ways to control people through their guilt and a desire to be “good.”

So after I renounced Christianity and the Bible as my faith, I began a journey that led me to where I am today.  I began to study my spirituality and began to look for answers to the questions I had and the things I believed.  After a couple of years of reading, studying and meditation, I felt as if I found a home with paganism.  The guilt that consumed me, the mental anguish that was a part of my daily life and the feeling of being lost that I had seemed to lessen as I studied different areas of paganism more and more.  For the first time in my life, I felt truly happy.  Through the journey and studying that I still do to this day, I have found a way to feel comfortable in my skin and to renounce the negative feelings that were always a part of my life as a Christian.

Instead of a constant feeling of guilt, I was able to celebrate my life and the world around me in a way I never thought possible.  Recognizing the Goddess and her consort as the deities I choose to honor washed me over with a sense of awe and peace that I never once felt when I was a member of the Christian church.  No longer was I plagued with feelings of never being good enough in my Gods’ eyes and no longer was I facing blaring acts of hypocrisy around every corner.

Declaring myself as a pagan, who believes in a Goddess as well as a God, has been an act that truly brought my life to the place it is in now.  In my rituals, studies and daily life, I am more spiritual than I ever have been.  I am also more at peace.  So while I might not be out of the broom closet to my friends and family, for the time being, I am ok with that.  Not because I think I should have to hide what I believe but because I feel as if my life and the way I am living speaks volumes more than putting a label on myself that can harm my relationships with those closest to me.  Not everyone has the joy of becoming enlightened and of being accepting of others, regardless of what they believe and how they choose to live their life.  Christianity claims to teach acceptance but my first hand knowledge of the faith enforces my belief that this is only acceptance if you play by their rules.

I’d rather my life be a testament to what I believe.  My success, happiness and prosperity is because I am blessed by the gods.  If asked, I do not deny my beliefs or my faith, I rejoice in them and share them.  But I do not feel the need to shout from the roof tops that I am a pagan.  I don’t feel the need to label myself in the eyes of others.  I am united with those who are believe the same as me, but I don’t feel the need to be confrontational about it.

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